By Henry Casaubon
Residents of Cruger Hall, I ask for but a moment of your time. I have lived among your ranks for five arduous months—almost half a calendar year. Forgive my bluntness, but the unscrupulous behavior I have witnessed inside this dormitory is nothing short of shameful. Vandalism, petty theft, the destruction of public property: it makes me want to retch. But what really gets my goat is that not one of you has the spine to stand up and take responsibility for your actions. Well, allow me to show you how it’s done. I freely admit that I, Henry Casaubon of Room 219, clogged the toilet on the second floor of Cruger.
What, do you tremble at this display of accountability? Are you not afraid? “Oh dear,” you will say to one another, “Henry Casaubon, the mousy-haired junior studying Film and Electronic Arts, dropped the load that clogged up the Cruger waterworks––and he admits it!” Indeed, I do. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned, being a good year-and-a-half older than most of you, but I believe in doing what is right, not what is convenient.
When I sat down to void my bowels that fateful Friday evening, I was not being mindful of the Cruger community. I should have used less toilet tissue for wiping; I should have flushed multiple times throughout the process. Upon seeing what I had done, and that no amount of flushing could conceal the deed, I was embarrassed. I was afraid. But I persevered. I, Henry Casaubon, firstborn son of Terence and Marjorie Casaubon, marched on down to our peer counselor’s door and knocked thrice. I told them what I had done and what I had failed to do. The onus was on me to make things right. And when the custodian fixes the second-floor toilet on Monday morning, I will stand by and smile, unabashed and unafraid.
I am not a hero. I write this letter not as a condemnation of your actions, O citizens of Cruger, but as a plea for a brighter future together. You are scholars, each and every one of you: students of the liberal arts. Learn from my tale of accountability. Atone for the crimes you have committed. My name is Henry Casaubon. This is my story.
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