by Akiva Hirsch
In a continued effort to introduce new views to Bard’s campus, Roger Berkowitz invited COVID-19 to give a Zoom lecture as part of the Hannah Arendt Center’s “Politics During Pandemics” program. When asked why he would do such a thing, Professor Berkowitz replied, “The echo chamber of Bard has promoted an idea that COVID-19 is bad. While I’m not saying I approve of or agree with everything the virus has done, it’s important for a functioning democracy to entertain ideas that go against the dominant ideology.” This reporter suspects that Berkowitz just has a humiliation fetish.
True to his commitment to both sides at any cost, Berkowitz also invited Social Distancing and Homemade Hand Sanitizer to speak. The discussion was moderated by Dr. Anthony Fauci, who owed Berkowitz a favor after scratching the paint on his lime green Pontiac Firebird. Getting off to a spicy start, COVID-19 rolled a cigarette with one hand and smoked it while accusing Social Distancing of fear-mongering. The virus then told the student audience that it would “meet them in Miami.” After finishing the hand-rolled smoke, COVID-19 farted into the microphone.
Dr. Fauci asked COVID-19 why it was “being such a dick?” “For the meme of it all, Tony,” replied the virus. “For the meme of it.”
Social Distancing was too far away from its computer to be heard, but Homemade Hand Sanitizer vowed “to kill 99.99%" of COVID-19.
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