by Maya Lavender
It’s happened to the best of us: that guy from your FYSEM class approaches you to talk about his favorite philosopher. You aren’t really feeling it, but he just will not stop. What do you do? Out-pretentch him by pretending to have read everything by that philosopher, and end that conversation ASAP!
Step 1: Sound surprised that he’s interested in that particular philosopher.
Step 2: Only refer to the philosopher in the adjectival form of his name.
Step 3: Don’t know the names of any of his work? No problem! Let it be clear that you don’t remember the names of the work, because it’s bad and you’re bored by it!
Step 4: Describe his philosophical concepts as “base.”
Step 5: If the dude tries to push it, tell him your viewpoint is “esoteric,” and if he doesn’t get that, then maybe he needs to reassess his priorities.
Example:“Oh? I wouldn’t expect you to be interested in Kierkegaardian concepts. Hm… Interesting… No, it’s just, why him? Especially when there are so many other actually interesting options? Not that his work is boring, per se. I just find it, I don’t know, very base. Listen Theo, this all really because I have, what I’ve been told, is an esoteric viewpoint when it comes to philosophy. But it’s all based in a strong set of morals and priorities, I’m sure you get that. Okay. Bye, Theo.”
And just like that, he skateboards away! But remember, hot girls, your results may vary. As a hot girl, you are both desirable and threatening, so Theo will likely never leave you alone, and you will die plotting your escape as he drones on about Foucault. Good luck, ladies!
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